Corona

Living amidst Corona! The year 2020 has been so bad but alhamdulilah! UGH. I could not have waited to get out of residency. Third year - yeahhh, went fine, going fine, almost there - BAM! CORONA!

Ok, so now that my frustration is out, let's talk about it. So January 2020, Rizwan and I are watching the news on the television about the virus. He says oh it might hit the US and we have flights that might be cancelled. I say hm.. but truly I never understood the depth of those words. Turns February 2020, we hear things are getting bad around the world - still feeling safe at home. March 2020 and schedules of residents change, we're bracing for the worst - anxious but safe.

25th March 2020 - my first day at the hospital after my half-research rotation. There is no visitor line at the security check, everyone around is wearing a surgical mask or a N95. I go in to punch-in and since I was always had an OCD with regular hand-washing, it did not feel any different, however, wearing scrubs did. I go into the elevator and hit 17th floor with my knuckle (still the same for me). Everyone in the elevator is either quiet or talking about the coronavirus. Once on the floor I do not recognize any face because every face is hidden behind a mask, then a face shield. Nurses are in scrubs topped with yellow gowns, feet covered with shoe covers and the head covered too. Makes me think sometimes whether this is an eye-opener for those who spoke about face/head covers and bans - I know, thinking afar but still.. As I enter the resident room, all my colleagues are in masks too! That's when I realized how naked I was. I asked for a mask from the nurses who sent me all the way to the second floor and gave me so much attitude while I asked for a PPE. These are managers who do not need to see patients and give attitude to healthcare workers who need PPE to see COVID + patients! Anywho, intubated three patients, sent four patients to the ICU. That was day 1. Came home traumatized. You see, one patient was intubated but the nurses on the floor are med-surge nurses so they do not understand the concept of sedating a patient while they are intubated. Well, let me rephrase that, they do understand the need of sedating the patient but they are not trained for that as these medications can also drop the blood pressure of the patient so there is a narrow window for adequate sedation with good pressure control - and for this, you need to make frequent trips to the patient's bedside to 'titrate' the medication. If this titration is inadequate, the patient can not be sedated enough and may end up being awake, fighting the tube and 'self-extubate' themselves. That's what happened in one patient, her oxygenation started dropping to 50% and she became unresponsive. The chaos that I witnessed haunted me for the rest of the day.

But I told myself more is coming and worse is yet to come. So brace yourself as I need to decongest my thoughts.

I've meant to write for a long time; write to remember and recall. This space to write and write freely, anonymously is perfect. It is better than a pen and paper, I've tried that and it feels very tiring, may be we're not used to of writing anymore.

Life is so perfect alhamdulilah. I'm 26 years old, married (AH!), working and living. My best friend is my husband and he is an angel! He's so cute, so funny and so adorable. He's beautiful. 😌

This is from 2016. We were in San Diego. One of the most memorable moments in my life. This man is so loving, it is unbelievable. Masha'Allah.

2017. The MET.

IM Residency Bronx-Lebanon

It has been a long ride. Finishing up medical school and jumping into the USMLE. I feel good alhamdulilah for working hard and actually achieving this. There have been many downs as well as some ups. Exams upon exams, observerships and the hunt, successes and near-failures too. The interview season has been a smooth road, I'd say. I didn't have many to compare but the ones I had were pleasant. I loved meeting new people from different places but hated the fake laughs and my jaw muscles cramped by the end of the day. Oh and the pain with those pathetic black pump/heels (ugh).

All in all, I got the prematch offer and I took it upon thoughtful advice, let's hope it'll bear something fruitful. My comeback is to make things remembered, improve my writing and ohmygod my spellings have become pretty awful. The vocabulary needs to up the Trump-grade (heeeh). 

The visa process has just begun so hoping it goes well inshaAllah. There are many things that will be missed, the vacations in Saudi, family and quarrels with the siblings but I guess we move on from the phases.

I really hope to provide excellent patient care and be a better Muslim than ever- which naturally should make me the best human within me. Through this journey and all the Islamophobia around it, I hope to never lose my ties with my religion and neither to be ashamed of it nor put it in the hiding. I should actually put it on display so the goodness of it may shine through (a little cheesy, ok, a lot).

I suppose we're not supposed to listen to music while fasting..

I think i need one every year to tell myself I'm still here, still struggling.

So much, so much changes yet the basics, the necessities, the morals stay the same. Where I am, I do not want to be in some circumstances but just the other way round, here, I want to be here so bad. Maybe its when they proclaim that something may be, and really is better than nothing at hand. I can never thank Allah enough for where he's brought me, how he brought me here and for every passing breath with loved ones. What's more than family. Just here. Nothing. Nothing beats that.

I made a mess of some things just recently and wow did I screw up. Most careless haha. But still so much to thank of.

I don't remember the last time I blogged and what I wrote about. Now I think only in my times of lonely I write something on here. Last resort I guess. 

I'm bulletproof!

OH.

MY.

GOD.

SO LONG.

Whaaa? December 2013? HAHA. 2013 was a shithole for a year. Alhamdulilah it's over. I just attended the last class of 4th year- whoopwhoop! 4th year was amazing. Studied shit, survived easy. Just left with the bigass exams now. I just came back from Riyadh last week. So amazing, so amazing. I love Riyadh and Ramadan in Riyadh and Eid in Madinah. ALHAMDULILAH. SO MUCH FUN.

Treadmill starts today in sha Allah. 5 good weeks! Oh, the fat arms =<

YOU SHOOT ME DOWNNNNN, BUT I WON'T FALLLLLLL I AM TITAAANIUMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

I missed you guys. =*

26/12/2013

It's probably over a year since I blogged. A lot happened in a year. You should check out the utmost facial expressions I'm making right now since its one of my thangs now. 

Anywho, details of the year for later but right now I'm in 4th year of medical college and pretty much loving it! School hasn't been this fun since 2010 in Riyadh. There's a lot of laughing followed by some more loud laughing. We've passed through surgery rotation, which started in September. Orthopaedics with Dr. Waqar was hilarious with stories of his wife. 

So today was my second call of gyne rotation. It was fun in terms of the harkatai me and sundus did. This 49 years old lady using iucd was just next level. Watching her all prepped up in front of her husky husband was even more next level. Dr. Mariam really made us stay till freaking 8 30. We took our histories and went up to her at 7 but she's all like no no. So, Sundus and I, went to Sangam Market in I-8 to have this really heavy double chicken Afghani burger, which is basically lots of fries and chicken sausages in a yummy wrap so it wasn't that bad. 

Crampstipated

God. I am so filthy. 

Frigging MLA.

My result is uploaded.

So I'm up at SCIL again. Today in the Surgical Ward I met a woman who had CA breast. It was pretty sad how she had most of her family members suffering from CA breast and one member had CA uterus. To be honest, she pretty much inspired me really. She was smiling. That's a big thing for me cause God forbid if I had such a problem with me and going through operations and 6 sessions of chemotherapy it would've raped me inside out. Astaghfirullah. The best feeling I got was when she asked me when she could have a mammography of her daughter done who is now just 2 months old. It was inspiring how she seemed to be less educated than us but she still cared of her daughter to a level most people don't yet.

One another note, the diet is going so bad. I ate like a cow over the weekend because I was hungry as a monster. However, things have changed from today onwards. I'm back at it. I might start cooking too for myself. Heeehe. 

My Rheuma result came. I did just average again. Sucks. Sometimes I was number 1 at my class and now I'm just some girl who said acute is under 6 months but it's actually under 6 WEEKS. Fucking weeks!

Quickie again.

Okay I am back. The class moved out cause there's another class happening up at SCIL. 

We were talking about Pakistani people. I'd rather love to stay in Riyadh and I plan on doing my housejob over there but Omer bhai- my cousin- prefers that housejob be done in Pakistan where there's a variety of patients and they are so poor that even when you do something wrong- highly God forbidden- they won't really ever sue your ass.

But I, on the other hand, am fed up of Pakistan and I miss my parents too much a lot of. I miss my house and I'd rather end up teaching than practicing medicine. I can't stand the ward smell up at D3 Wing 4. Rashiqa made me differentiate between the two smells- medical and surgical wards, which is very true.

Gotta run again. I like blogging at school. 

Quickie

Currently we are all waiting in the SCIL lab for our preceptor to teach us gloving. We are right now studying our surgical rotations. It's past 8:27 AM and the preceptor is yet to come. I, on the other hand, was trying my level best to look ugly but make it to school by 8 sharp. 

I have just yesterday started to change some habits of mine before it gets too late. I will talk less, but appropriate to the situations.

On my way to school I realized that I really really hate people now. I hate people at the airport, the ones who give you your boarding pass and treat you like shit. Yes, those people. Twice they took some unauthorized taxes from me and I have them cause I was alone and I didn't know what else to do.

Oh my class is leaving to another class. Gotta run!

Food, I miss.

How I spent my day today? I woke up only to realize how sleepy I was so I slept back in and ditched my first class- LGIS by Dr. Abida. PHARMA. Got up at 9.30 got ready by changing my shirt and actually the rest of it was all my night suit. Ew. Gandi Sarah. Took a pharma practical which was prescription writing by Dr. Hanna. Later we had plans of going to Gloria Jeans but the driver had to pick up my niece from school so instead we had oranges in the sun. It was fun. Library then attended the last micro practical and Sundas baji was with us. I came home, had a bowl of soup but I ate :O then I had a piece of chocolate cake :O
OOPSIDAISY.

I slept so much and got up walked for half an hour and jogged for like 4 minutes. HAHAHA. Had an apple and a potato and green tea. In bed now. Sleeping in like half an hour.

FOOOOOD. I miss!

An Ashamed Child

A certain things I realized today. A woman will protect her family no matter what. A married woman will protect her father's family but she'll sacrifice anything for her own family. Life is complicated and children nowadays don't understand the value of parents. When it happens in front of my eyes I wish to slap them, slap them so hard their face drops off.

My Interpretation Of Dreams

Fuck this politics.

I had such a horrible dream in the morning. I know why- Allah doesn't want me to sleep after Fajr and He is so right. The more I sleep, the higher the chances are that my dreams are going to be more and more screwed up. So screwed up and so real. My mum says never discuss your dreams except to those closest to you. I personally believe that dreams are for a reason. A sacred message from the other world. I remember my O-levels' finals and I had a dream that it's been two straight days and I haven't completed my exam and I panic. I took it as a sign from the Lord that I should finish it fast and well in the real exam I was pretty slow and I had still like half the exam to do in the last 45 minutes. Panic attacks.

My mum is sick. She has a cold and the whole house is upside down cause she's not around and mostly in bed. Meri mama jaaan! (L)

No one like a mama :3

Omgggg. Im blogging from sibgha's iPad. Omg it's so cool. It really is. So portable. And lighter than my laptop. Anywho, I'm in the best place in the world right now. Alhamdulilahhh. 

I got my limbs waxed for the first time on Saturday and boy was it fun and not as painful as I had heard. More over getting it done when you're 20 shouldn't mean a big deal anyway you know. 

It seems like I never left this place. 

I should start my studying. No excuses at all. :D

Coutdown. Alhamdulilah!

I will publish another post after this movie. 

I miss that feeling of my laptop over my feet to keep them warm. It's too fucking cold in Pakistan and I care about my hands more than my feet so I have to stay in a quilt and a blanket, two sweaters, a pair of socks and my hands are still freezing. Need for gloves is the maximum possible need.

I have an exam tomorrow and I have just done two things out of 50. 

Fuck meh.

Nothing

I'll just stay as me.

Oh fuck a 'Happy New Year'. 

My Rheumatology module just finished yesterday and Hematology starts today and I'll be attending like 7 classes out of 47 classes and my attendance will be fuuuuucked up. Whoosh. I'm trying my best not to think over it or else I'll ruin myself oh Lordddd.
Moving on, recently I've developed such an amazing love towards 1980's-90's American movies. IF YOU HAVE ANY RECOMMENDATIONS COMMENT THEM BELOW LOVE. They make you trip for them man. The 80's hair and Denim jeans and uptight waistbelts. Oh dear oh dear. I have a very strong urge to get my hair permed in remembrance of the 1980's. My dad got his hair permed, a very slight ting in the 1980's too so I'll just follow his lead. Apparently my friend says it'll make me look more fat so I'm thinking of growing this hair till April and lose some of my chubchub, then get my permed. TELL ME I'M NOT SCREWING IT UP AM I? 

I don't have uni tomorrow cause welllll-  I don't. There's a bakesale on Wednesday and my friends and I are in the scavenger hunt apparently. Recently, I have the craze of clothes again. Psh. And well- I made quite some many so I better not spend a penny more till April or March you know. Prolly go to Faisalabad to shop for summer clothes. And then that's it. OH MY MAYBE GO TO LAHOREEEE. Weeeee. On another note, Youtube is still fucking blocked in Pakistan. 

Sexy tiger pinching me!

ON A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NOTE OMG:

Sometimes I feel so pious and religious and then I get back to what I truly am. Is that hypocrisy?

Beauty In Her Eyes

I failed my modular exam, did I mention that before? Anyway, it was kidneys, urinary bladder and well, I did bad but the rest of the class did relatively better than me and now I'm missing 2 weeks of my hematology modular. So fuck my life for that. 
Some songs have such amazing lyrics but such shitty music.
I was really ashamed about my marks, especially to Dr Qaiser. He's a Malik. Also, I haven't told my parents. So ashamed but deserving. I'm so sleepy and I have five histories to write but thank God they're not due tomorrow but due on Monday. GLAYD.
I freaking hate tailors now. x_x
So I slept meanwhile typing this post and my Khala is up here from England and she's got diarrhea. Major kind and I think I'll have to go stay with her. I'm so fat. It is saddening and sickening. Like seriously. x_x

Let's Call The Whole Thing Off

I've started a marathon of movies. Movies are amazing. One thing I love of Americans. Their movies and their music. I loved When Harry Met Sally. So fucking cute. Hahaha. 

On another note, I failed my KUB module. I guess I should study Rheumatology big time. Dr. Qaiser is leaving. He's an amazing facilitator. The best to be honest! (Y) One sgd I look forward too! 

I'm such a 1980's wannabe, it's a shame. I wish I was born then. Born in New York. Oh my. Dreams could come true. But only in another world, otherwise I would've been worse than I am now.

A t20 match between India and Pakistan is supposed to start in the next 5 minutes and the electricity of my house is gone. Bullocks. Time to study Pharmacology. <3 nbsp="nbsp" span="span">I love Rashiqa. 

But ohhhh, if we call the whole thing off, then we must part.. 

Salman Khan looks relatively sexy in this picture but that pink pocha around his neck looks so gayyyyy!

Alhamdulilah

Today we went to Murree more like Barian to play in the snow. It was a splendid trip. We had pakoray and savour for food with pepsi. Khawi bhai threw me on the snow and I think the muscles of my left hand suffered a concussion. We had a snow fight and it was really fun alhamdulilah. Today I realized your family is not just the immediate but it's everybody around you. I missed Zoha too much today. It's been almost a month since she passed away and I miss her face. Her hair and her smile. It melted my heart.

I got the lights of my room finally fixed today. I need to study for my sgd. I feel good alhamdulilah. 

Whore Speaks

This blog is going to be pretty ranty from now on I suppose but who's to blame then- Me? Anyway, I have an exam and I probably fractured my right distal forearm. I'm probably to be blamed. Getting married can fuck itself and I don't even want babies to be honest. I'm doing my Gyne/Obs rotations this month and it's not gross but the belly gets all hairy. Really hairy if you're an Asian. Anywho, besides that they put up ganday injections and blood samples. Too many pins and needles for a small soul of my kind. So who cares? I can fix myself. I've kept up with so much shit and demands that this I deserved. Should've let go when I had the chance. I don't need advises because I always defy those advises that I should be following. So what if I have the worst week of my life? I have my birthday coming up and maybe I'll feel special that day and maybe I'll not stay in my room. So what if I have the worst week of my life? I'll start going to PIMS to do stuff. I'll go to that class next Sunday inshaAllah and I'll go to Faisalabad on Eid. InshaAllah. I'll be fine. Hopefully. I am not getting married. Struggling to be a good doctor to support my parents. InshaAllah.

2.37 1.1 19.9.12

Shades of Whiskeys

I'm coming to get you. Such intriguing yet domineering words to say to somebody. Yet, sounding so nice giving your heart that gush of beats and increasing the sympathetic stimulation on your pacemaker. Action potentials being generated so fast, not enough time to go back to the resting potentials before another is stimulated. While all that occurs, I'd just want to pee. My bladder has the most awkwardest 'fight or flight' phenomenon. 

Fffffffffffffffffffffffff men.

Men. Fucking men. Fucking perverted men. Man, I think I'm just cool with family men and David Villa and some others but the rest can suck themselves. Tbh, fucking assholes. Fucking easy life ones. I mean yeah yeah earn money and be the boss of the house or what? FUCKS. 

I have such fat arms.

Frigging hate couples at uni. Frigging annoying and making my blood boil. Actually no, I just don't notice or smile and pass. 

I wanted to go to the cinema so bad right now. Just alone, all alone to watch The Dark Knight Rises. Bleh. I'm just too scared to ask ami jii. Well, I should watch a movie or something and get my head off it.

Fucking driver.

Molested Roads

Coming from my nano's I kept thinking to myself about what I've done with 19 years of my life. There's an adorable white cat outside with two adorable kittens and all it wants is love and food. I have food but there's rarely anybody who loves me around here. That's why there is nano. Somehow today after all the shit I've been through, she made me happy and made me forget all my worries. It felt good. So I might go stay at her place because somehow she wanted me and that's a feeling I've missed upon the past weeks. Except for my parents though, because they are sweet. Thus, today I'm calling my mamoo and khalas. The family which deserves the real love.

Anyway, on my way back I thought about two things: roads in Pakistan and sexual harassment. I've been sexually molested, not raped, but harassed. To be honest, I think every girl is, somehow. It's maybe the society or maybe it's men. Fucking horny, fucking perverted, fucked up men. And no, I'm not calling all men that, it's the major majority. Allah ta'ala poochay ga unsay. There's our religion telling us to guard our modesty and there's a man. This man who examines a woman's body through that burqa she's wrapped around herself. This man doesn't care about what's on her body or what's exposed, he's a filthy human being trying to dig down beneath those clothes. What's the point of covering yourself when even covered women get raped, even rich women get raped. This man can snatch you away from your guardians and that's that. However, a woman wanting to get banged and deliberately arousing the man is a different case. Deep down, every woman's been molested. Through physical contact, through words, through gestures. Unwillingly, every woman.

Then we come to roads. I live in Shalley Valley in Rawalpindi, yes, you can come and have tea with me, too bad I don't drink tea. ^.^ The road which is the Range Road has just been newly improved. They put those white and yellow lines on the sides and in the middle but you see Pakistani drivers- the usual taxi and bus driver- is never going to follow those lines. So please Shitty Government Of Pakistan, these are men who probably don't know what yellow even means so you give them road lines in the 21st century and you think they'll obey that? Nope, no body follows them. When there are two lanes, you can only drive in the middle yes? And that also 'driving' on the edge kind of driving. In fact, these roads are pretty molested themselves. 

Blah

Men and boys are disgusting. Sick minds and perverted fuckers.

Skankious Whore

Seriously? I missed the classic batting which only comes to be seen once in a million innings but I had a good sleep. In fact in the last few days I've been sleeping like a bimbo. Awake in the night and sleeping through the day after uni. 

I have instant noodles boiling on the stove right now but I'd rather watch these shots against Australia by Nasir Jamshed. I've never seen him around though but then again not like I watch the batting innings. Aw, he didn't make a century but BRAVO!

Seriously, is that really Pakistan? HOWEVER, Asad Shafiq is a proper fucker. Always. Drops catches. Fat ass. But seriously, except him. What an innings. Wow.

The noodles were not yum at all. Since I've been back, I haven't cried once thinking about home. Probably because I've become a whore to feelings. 

12.45 1.1 29.8.12

Officially third day of third year, but my first. I just had one class but Amber baji had to go to the airport and she had a lot of luggage so I came home pretty late as a matter of fat 3 hours late. The first day was good. We have new classrooms so I went through the Emergency and met Urva and Zamara in there. First sgd, Dr. Hanna knew I was new so she didn't say anything. She was very sweet and very smart. I like this group, I'm with Sundus so it's fun. It's the second wala group when I joined Shifa. There was this new teacher who I don't know yet but really pretty and she was good at what she taught so it was all good. :D My net here sucks.

I gave my application for the installments and we were making groups for clinical rotations which start tomorrow actually. Actually, the lists were already made by our CR and displayed but us six didn't like our group. Pindi bois. -_- So we all ran, literally. So much arguments but it was fun. I love my time with Marjan. She makes me laugh like crazy. ^^

I bought new books and I still haven't unpacked. I don't want to really. :D

A post from 2010. How come I never posted this!

Maybe ABBA is love? Maybe Chiquitita is love. I'm still living in the habit of loving a particular band if I hear their best/worst song. Doesn't music change your mood? I was just listening to ABBA and just deliberately I put on Lifehouse- Everything, to be precise. The whole mode is changed.

Just sitting here, I'll show myself my room just before I passed a month's line:

Yep, a month and suitcases just there.

Wow.

Raza hai kya teri?

I love talking now. Mama says I talk too much. Well my mother you said I was too shy but I guess that changed since 2009. It was when I went to England. That 8 hour stay in AbuDhabi and traveling alone and enjoying by myself. Too good and so much confidence. I live alone now in Pakistan but no more that strength, I'm weaker now. England was amazing. So independent. However, I've forgotten a lot of it cause well I was 16 then. 

It's 10.11 0.0 but look who hasn't slept yet. Riyadh, I love you.

I should be posting random pictures again. 

SALEEP YA SKANK

Neil Armstrong died yesterday. He lived 82 years and 20 days. Woah.

There's hair full of oil, skin full of acne, a body full of fats.

We went to Chillis the other day on Tahlia street. When I was in grade 9, I remember Rija and Khadija would talk about how cool the Tahlia street is cause they knew it through their brothers. On the other end, I didn't know where the fuck it was. Apparently, it was owned by the princes of Saudi Arabia with their lush, sexy cars and their dumbfuck brains. It was always high alert since the incidences of accidents there were off the hook. 

In around 2006/7/8, when Rija's cat had her first batch of kittens, I remember waking up in the middle of the night cause I couldn't sleep and without my glasses I blogged about that and something else around with that. And here I am talking to myself and thinking how I hate going back to Pakistan, missing my room, the carpets, the tiny walls, the messy tiles, the fridge and everything else. 

In 2010, I started the No Complaints Week and well, I should start one right now but I doubt it'll be a success cause I'm only good at complaining so people say. Which pretty much does suck because well, happens when you're fucked up many times. Ask my cousins too, sometimes you're so fucking tired of everything you don't even want to answer the phone when your parents call you. I get life is hard for our parents but at least they have each other to go through it. Physically and mentally. All we have is Allah, and I know He doesn't like me much or maybe none at all, so well, nobody then. Thus, the best thing is to just skate on the tiles once I'm there and stay off the bed. 

Maybe I should be friends with the lizards, or even pet one. I highly doubt that will happen cause I'm just gonna dip it into hydrogen sulfide solution instead cause I'm a hater. This July, in the last few days, there was a nasty bitchy lizard kid in the room. It was so fucking active and all over the place and it never let me sleep cause I thought it somehow dropped on my bed. Well, I asked Manzoora baji to kill it and she did with a jhaaroo and kept on saying HARAMAN HARAMAN as she did her thing. HAHAH. Sight. I picked up its dead cut tail it leaves behind in emergencies with a tissue. Proper gross. 

I liked myself before shit hit my head. :(

Agha Khan and My Closed Book

There's a little bit of regret and a lot of shame. I might or might not pass second year and for some reason I'm not as scared as I should be for what has to come. I know I'll pee my trousers when I'm in SCIL and finding out the result is posted or emailed and everyone will run to SCIL to check it out. Or maybe I'm in class. I know then I'll be the Sarah I've always been inside, the scared-to-death one. 

Maybe things have changed and maybe, I should accept other people's decisions but I've always been treated like I matter and this maybe new to me or whatever but whatever it is, I make a fucking fool out of myself for it. Anyway, what I had to talk about was Agha Khan. I am jealous of those students man. I wish I had tried. It seems like its the best and I wish I had tried. I don't think I'll be a good doctor. In these two years, I have shit practice and a little ratta in my mind, which I should be worried about. I was telling my friend, Sundus, the other day how I don't want to practice medicine but I want to learn more and more. She gave me the look which is the best reaction to the nuisance I speak at times, at  all times. 

So, this year I plan to let it be however it has to be. This year I think I'll do whatever the fuck I want. This month I will live for myself and this time I'll be what I was. Or something different or a fucking anteater but anything but what I have been lately. 

I blame everything on Pakistan. The fact that I am away from family and family is what matters to me. I've broken trusts and I've lied and I've tried not giving a fuck to what people think at times. Hell, that's when I'm tired of all the shit. 

Man, it's the fucking fat up in here. 

FUCK YOU SARAH

I've fucked myself over and over and over again.
And yes, I deserved it. 
I'm made from clay, so cover me in clay and pour mud over and drown me in that mud and when the fibers of my muscle are stiff, feed me to birds. I hate birds. 

24-8-12/5.49/0.0

I say what?

I don't want to study. :( I don't like these exams. Profs. My weakest point, I never feel that weak ever but profs. I have 5 modules in it. I wish we had the semester system. So much better. ='( I had 7 weeks to study and I did study but I seem to have forgotten whatever I did study and now that I'm down to 2 weeks, my knees are burdened with books. Literally. Besides that, I'm coming back in August again inshaAllah. =D ALHAMDULILAH! I shall enjoy all of that. =] I like music nowadays but its so emo that it gets you emo too. That's why sometimes actually most of the times you need to go back to pop and rock n' roll and away from this 21st generation shit. Things were simpler then, I'm sure of that. Babies were simpler too. My 2 year old nephew knows how to watch videos on his mum's iPhone. I'm not even sure if he's fully 2 at all! Heck, he hasn't even started talking yet. Wow. It's true when they say the kids are smarter and it's true when they say the years will get tougher. More competitive, drastic changes in people. I sound like a lecturer. Ahaha. It's funny how people are stuck back in time and they need to move on. I'm one of those people. 


I guess I'll go back to my ugly books now. 

TURKIYE

I went to Turkey last week. I had a flight from Riyadh to Abu Dhabi on the 18th June at around 4 and then a stay of two hours there where we met my cousins from Pakistan and then we went together on the same plane to Istanbul, a flight of 4 and a half hours. Bloody hell was their airport SHIT. I'll be putting up some amazing pictures my cousin took. We went to Bursa too, another city pretty different from Istanbul which was full of naked western people. It was like bitch please why don't you take that piece of clothing off too and do all these men an even greater favor and some women too 8) 

The view from the airplane near Turkey

11:03 PM 23-3-12

I'm going to be a son for my parents inshaAllah! I'll be married and I'll move them in with me inshaAllah because there's nothing wrong with that. It's fine and I'll earn for myself and them inshaAllah and I don't need to be married if I'm not happy if my parents aren't happy. There's no point in all that when the reasons why you're here are living alone in a big empty house. I want my parents to be there when I have kids, when their grandchildren are growing up. I want my parents to give gurti to my babies and give them more love than I could ever give them and spoil my kids in every possible way I was. So I'll be the son for my parents because I'm my father's beta. A very beautiful beta. Who's too spoiled. I'll spend my life with my parents because I would've wasted 6 years of my life without them. Thus, I'll compensate these 6 years for forever. 


Also, Zohra bhabi had a son mashaAllah. 

SSSSSSSSSSHHHHHithole!

I should be studying for my TWO MAJOR exams in that shithole but wth I'm enjoying and days are ticking but I'm STRONGERRRR THAN YESTERRRRDAY!

Fuck This Shit

I'm going back to the shithole, I've said enough of that now. 

I'm super bored. 

Californication

Everybody's buying new cameras- DSLRs. They have amazing photo results. Everybody's learning how to photoshop but photography is a talent and you could be a good photographer with a 2mp camera too. Without editing. 

Turquoise Higlights

    Today was weird, exceptionally weird. I'm going to pet a  turtle. It'll be cute cuddly, I just hope I don't hammer it like the snails I used to it grade 4. Whaaa, I was an exceptionally good kid except that bit and some other bits and tats. Good ol' Mirinda Citrus. I'm sorry but it SO deserves a heart for the taste. It's frikking cold nowadays although just 13 degrees oiutside, I'm just dreading the upcoming summers cauuse freaking loadshedding so bad in the winters, I just don't want to imagine the summers. InshaAllah 2 weeks to Riyadh. *heart*

     I should probably study, I have an exam tomorrow and I don't want to screw it up like the last exam which was bullshitty. I had to use the bathroom really badly and I think the eggs did their job- gross.

   Anywho, I was thinking how everyone's been up about 2012 and all that shit, I'm just wondering how old I'm getting- I believer anything >16 is young. Everything greater is older. I know what I know. Seemed really irrelevant, anywho so I don't want to grow old. This past one and a half year has been so much of change for me- I've become a woman in all possible way except that way or have I? I've become a different personality, I talk a lot and I talk  shit, my head screws up, I've become accustomed to living like a loner and at first it was beautiful but now I need to speak. That feeling when you want to talk because you want your vocal cords to move. I eat a lot. I have started liking food which is changing now alhamdulilah. All that and clothes, fucking clothes, all I think about and it's the company I get if I get which has got me like this- WOMEN. All that's going to change inshaAllah. Because I'm going home to ami! I would like to call mama ami but its 17 years and I can't change that  now. It'll FEEL abrupt. Maa. :D Sometimes I forget how old I am, honestly, cause this year and the previous ever since uni, I've been so busy that time's felt like it flew by and I didn't even breathe in those moments. I love pencils. 

24/12/11

Why, hallo! Saturday, what a lazy lazy Saturday! Although its Sundays supposed to be lazy, well they were busy when I was in Riyadh- <3. And it was Fridays lazy there. Haiye. Anywhoo, yesterday was a tiring tiring Friday, it was one of those long dragged days, we waited for Dr. Tahir Iqbal from 8 till 8.45 when he made he ungrand entrance and it was all the hypertension stuff we knew before, so pretty much tiring. I have A LOT to revise and less than 10 days for my exam, so I should be pretty worried. Which I am not. HEEH. Then we were free from 10 to 1.30. So we planned to study something- which we did- but man! We were SO sleepy, especially Sundus and I , after every 15 minutes we'd give each other the look like what-the-hell-we-need-to-sleep. Anywho, before that samosa! Winter cold and garm samosa which gets thanda too quickly- MWAAH!. Then popcorn and then ice cream. Well then guavas for lunch and that was it! SUCCESS. Then I drove back from uni to home mashaAllah, for the first time ever. MUAHAHAHA. I wasn't that bad alhamdulilah! :D Just like didn't see a speedbump and bham? :D


 I had a good sleep last night, from 6 to today morning 6. 12 hours. MWAAH! I hate sleeping though, but it's the winter effect.  But morning walk, Michael Jackson's music, oranges and guavas. MWAAH!

Damn you, WAPDA.

Treat Yourself

I'm totally blind and numb. My hands are frozen because by the time you're done toileting and you've left the water on throughout your busy time, the water is still frigging cold, hence the frozen hands. I should really be studying, and my aims are always higher than I can aim, 2 chapters a day, like i-can-so-do-it. Huh.


 Anywho, I'm listening to 17-year-olds- One Direction- IT'S GOTTA BE YOUUU, ONLY YOUUU. Haiye, kon ainaa nuu samjhay. 


Yukh, these What The Fuck Facts on facebook are disgusting and it's always Indians going crazy on them, idiots. Like pindi bois are any better.


 I should really do two chapters tonight but I end up so sleepy and who is Dr. Tahir Iqbal for tomorrow? I have a feeling it's the shorty. Shorty's good. I don't like sirs who ask questions especially Dr. Habib-ur-Rehman, although he's awesome at his clinician skills but dude, chill out and then they baistify you so bad when you give a lousy suggestion rather than an answer. 


Enough about that. Today, our friends- Marjan, Huma, and Zamara- gave us- ME :D Wardah, Jamila, Urva, and Sundus- a surprise birthdayS party. Heeh, I knew something was fishy, and I'm annoying so well, pretty much that it. 


I need to google some new good gala designs. One Direction is pretty gay but who bothers to search another song. I am so over bans.

22/12/11

When you're through with that shit.

And you're glad.

20/12/11

HELL OF A DAY!

Thank God it's over, it was bad, sickening, lazy, tiring, fazool, everything. O.o

I want to learn punjabi so bad, I want to speak punjabi like totally rad dude, mei kaindi. Haiye, so fail. Anywho, nothing really is up, I finally put on red nail colour. Sex-E!

Happy Birthday sibo, 16! =*

16/12/11

A late start to the day, got up at 8.40. Showered, ironed, well actually then showered and practically icey cold freezing fucking water, goosebumpish and hardly being able to breathe. Then, uni going, then two classes, then coming back home. Then namaz and eating and then the day just went by. I watched the American Pie, actually still left with the last 20 minutes cause everyone went on and on about it being gross so I was like the heck let's just give it a try and then I saw it downloading the second part along. Heeh. It's not AS gross, or maybe my levels of grossness have crossed beyond limits. I guess the latter is the case, weev. Anywho, done with downloading a couple more movies to watch when I should be really studying cause I'm like in SECOND YEAAAAAR MASHALLAH! I need to change my phone cover too. Tomorrow is PREP! InshaAllah.

Continued...

Today's class was HILARIOUS! The-gang-who-know-nothing don't really know how to control the class anyway. LOL.

15/12/11

It's cold and wintery. If I were not as fat and chubby as ever, I would always wear polo necks.

16 nights to 2012. Pretty sure it'll go worse than 2011, but come to think of it, it wasn't as bad as 2010. Anywho, I've started making memos as to what to do or else I get too lazy.

That's it for today.

MOTTI SARAHHHHH!

29th august 2011 03:39 AM

I feel much better today, the hormones out, the tIredell day and then of course some studying but really not good enough.
Ramadan's ending and this year too I haven't finished the Quran and I have two days to finish 7 paras which I can do if I had a higher stamina but still inshaAllah will try. Eid is coming up, I like my nail colour and my clothes so it is awn.
I have always hated ceiling fans and darkness. Back at home I used to live on the street and the yellow street lights would help me sleep with our blue curtains.
I havent seen Ezza baji in a long long time and well I bought bangles for eid if I've not mentioned that.
I'm against marriages at young ages because there's something known as a family. I would love to stay with my family for some more years rather than get married. Pah che. And then some people lie about the ages of their daughter-in-laws to be or rather like them being called young. Well not like that matters. Some day I'll be a mother-in-law too so I have no right to judge anyone at the moment. Id really like some fresh juice for my tummy. Or baskin Robbins, I love that.
I should sleep now. Too late and biochem tomorrow. Astaghfirullah. Ya Allah madad. :/

28th August 2011 03:22 AM

Once again, I'm back wth my grieves and sadness. I hate living alone but is it better than living with everyOne who don't like you? Or am I just different In a bad way. I have my first prof in like exact 3 weeks and I should be studying hard for it but I want to and then you get tired of all the studying like you've studied all year long and just get a break but then I'll get ten days off before second year inshaAllah which is great. -_- and there's this philosophy of all teachingdoctors that since we've went through it, it's free for you to go through it too. Which is the worst part honestly. I watched an Indian movie after a year and I hate Indian movies and this sad song I'm hooked too. So it had hritik roshan in it and well I don't want to backbite. My body hurts so bad. I did 2.5 chapters if physiology today but started biochem too but then got too sick of it. I got my eid kay kapray. Grey and well pretty. I bought chooriyaan after years and well I look forward to wearing them but Haiye do I even deserve this eid? Aowwwwwwww. I miss mama so bad. ='(
I hatE living alone.
Ami Jii is making parathay for everyone and I'm here trying to sleep.

Sad.

I am sad. When I'm sad I make everything around me sad. I've forgotten what true happiness felt like and really when did I laugh from the inside, I know it's totally emo. But maybe that's what I've become. Sad, lost and depressed. No more colours. Nor do I tune anymore. Maybe when I get some happiness maybe then I'll go crazy. It's sad. I am sad. Sometimes You need someone to talk to you about how yOu feel. Sometimes you need more than talking. I am sad. I'm a weak heart, I've always known and I don't want to be strong, no point in being strong because it only raises your own expectations.

12/5/11

I'm sick sick fellow nowadays, sick in the mind and in the throat. You can stand a fever, but the runny nose and the scratchy throat is too much for my pharynx. The best part is however, cough syrup- aka sleep inducer. PROPER WUZZA. I'd love a sachet of joshanda in warm boiled water with sonf but we're out of that so I have to use simple green tea with mint, not that bad with rusks before having that.

I had to study like PROPA STUDY from this week, but the week's almost over and I'm nowhere, still floating. That sounds so emo. Anywho, back to the anterior abdominal wall. TOMORROW, I start my *No Complaint Week* again, once again, also I realized I've started gossiping a lot, and that's double shame on me!

Happy Birthday Mrs. Abeer! =D

Dear lady, Linkin Park lies, the sun won't and will never set for you.

Flakes

I'm going back in a few weeks inshaAllah!

That's our lawn a few weeks back on the day of the hailstorm, heeh. I have myself a dozen books still unread and I thought I could entertain myself in medicine, which I still do. [H]

22.2.11

We have sports days at uni, Wednesday and Thursday which gives me 2 days to chill though I was supposed to do some studying in between this. But well, whenever do you get two continuous days off within the week with just a Friday left behind. :D

As to what's a scrunchy.

Uni's good alhamdulilah. I'm loving medicine mashaAllah. The weather is perfect but I just have hairy arms.

Voila! :D

I LOVE ANATOMY.

Pee

I came home at a different time today, from uni and it was all pleasant, actually not and I was in hope of not seeing weird men peeing on the streets and as I thought how that made a difference, I turn my head to the left and BAM. Then one more. And then one in gulistaan-i-nayab.

I have two sgd's to study for tomorrow. Gastrulation and neuralution/something and organogenesis. They were talking about they've shifted or rather 'integrated' the curriculum for our batch and how we're being experimented on. I don't mind. :D

I need to pee.

14- Jan- 11: My life revolves around biochemistry, and I'm loving it.

My life in 10 points at 10:37 PM.

• Debenhams is warm.
• I miss my mother, I live alone- I do.
• I need a two way socket- if that's what you call it- to plug in my tv to the extension.
• I need to fold and hang all my clothes for the week- and study for next week's test.
• I might be going to Lahore. Next stop. For university. Again. Yep.
• Biochemistry is love. LOVE. LLOOVVEE.
• I need to take off my contacts and get into bed which I already am, but actually go to sleep.
• Point 8- I don't know.
• I had pizza from a local restaurant and it wasn't very yummy but you can't call food bad so yep.
• I'll post a picture now.

Beach Parties.

I come home around different timings, I pass across the IJP road and it's on a daily basis that I see at least 3 men loosing their naalas/naaras [I never got which one it is] as they answer the call of nature. It's just too much to take for actually thinking what's behind the clothing at the back and how they carry on walking after their done. Every single day.

We have this huge test coming up and everyone studies their butts off at the library. Lie. Only some do, but yeah. It's actually too much to cover up in 2 nights you see, we've almost done around 11 chapters of biochemistry. Yup, it's like one chapter daily and then we have LGDs and Wrap Up sessions- no one studies for those, and I didn't for 3 days and I was pounded with guilt and books.

However, it'll be a year soon that I permanently shifted to Pakistan and it's been good alhamdulilah. [No.] Riyadh is the sex.

I'm on my days nowadays, haha- that sounds funny, and yeah I said it out. It's pretty cool outside right now.

I love food.